She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
