I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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