We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
