I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
