I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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