That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
