All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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