No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
