I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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