I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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