I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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