There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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