When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I love having hate sex.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My day in three words: secret purse cake
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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