My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
