I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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