the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
50% drunk capacity currently
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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