At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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