If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
