I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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