just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
