Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
