he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
