This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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