your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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