finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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