Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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