I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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