My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
