I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
