I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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