i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
