I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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