he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
