Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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