It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
