how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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