Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Jerry, you need to find god
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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