He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
