U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
