You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
