Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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