party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
this is an emotional support booty call
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
