i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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