All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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