When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Farmville is her only friend.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
