As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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