there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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