I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
