i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
