there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
