I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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