I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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