I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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