if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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